Fair Fighting for Couples

Arguing in couples can be heated, intense, scary and painful at times. However, it can also bring couples much closer together and help cultivate a partnership by getting on the same page. Relationships are difficult – it is a bringing together of two distinctly different people with two very different upbringing – of course there will be disagreements and this will entail arguments. It is a matter of respectfully disagreeing and trying to understand the other persons viewpoint that makes all the difference.

Due to the heightened emotions on both sides during disagreements, it can help to have some tools to keep things from getting too heated and make it a “fair fight”:

• Avoid global statements, such as ‘always’ and ‘never.’       (Read more…)

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with people in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, intimacy issues, and related anxiety.  For more, please visit Kim’s website at www.kimatwood.com.

Tools for Reducing Anxiety

Whether you are struggling with general anxiety or acute anxiety attacks, try some of these tried and true tools for reducing anxiety:

1 – Take a deep breath and pause. It is a cliché (they are cliché’s for a reason – they are universal truths), but taking a few deep breathes and counting to 10 will trigger your parasympathetic nervous system and automatically decrease the affects of anxiety in your body.

2 – Change your environment for a moment. If you’re in your office and you can take a brief break, try taking a walk outside and get some fresh air, nature, and change of scenery. If you’re behind your desk/computer, try to go to a break room or walk to a co-workers office to chat for a minute and remove yourself from the screen.

2b – If you are not able to physically change your environment, take a moment to close your eyes and visualize yourself somewhere you would really like to be, like the beach/ocean, forest, mountains. Even a 30-second mindful visualization can reduce anxiety and make you feel somewhat rejuvenated.

3 – Notice your thoughts in generally, but also about the anxiety in the moment, and ask yourself, “Is it true?” Often we belief our thoughts outright, and many times these thoughts are not actually true. Sometimes we catastrophize, or make things much bigger than they are at the moment, and we can often project out into the future much further than seems reasonable or remotely useful. Just ask, “Is it true?” (For more information, look at http://www.ByronKatie.com and her books)

4 – Notice if you’re comparing yourself to someone else or yourself at a different time. If you are, is this fair to you? Usually, when we compare, we lose and it isn’t a fair representation for us at all. If your answer is yes, try to refrain from this kind of comparison because it creates more anxiety, and reframe your thought process to include more kindness and compassion toward yourself.

5 – Contact someone you love and trust. Create a support system of people you can rely on to help you look at your situations more realistically and with empathy and compassion. Do not reach out to anyone who makes you feel worse or with whom you compare yourself.

6 – Focus on things that you’re grateful for today and take your attention away from the negative. What are some really small things that went well for you today? Keep it small and simple. Did you enjoy smelling something fragrant on your way to work? Did you make it to work safely and without incident? Did you enjoy a nice breakfast or lunch today? Did you enjoy seeing the sunrise?

7 – Drink something warm or wash your hands under warm water. Warmth can activate your parasympathetic nervous system and engage a relaxation response.

8 – Put your hands on your heart and say something kind, sweet, calming to yourself (inwardly or aloud). You can also pat yourself around the collarbone area to engage the parasympathetic nervous system and acupressure points that engage a relaxation response as well.

9 – Exercise on a regular basis. This releases all the feel-good chemicals and can balance you out more to relieve anxiety. Do not set expectations too high; do what will work well for you (no comparisons).

10 – Watch less television, especially the news. News triggers anxiety for many people and it can be beneficial to limit your exposure to the news. Television in general can trigger and increase anxiety as a whole, so try to get out and live your life more fully and less vicariously through characters on TV. TV is not the enemy and can be relaxing in moderation, but can be experienced as anxiety-provoking for some especially in large doses.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth. For more information, please visit www.KimberlyAtwood.com

Perfectionism

I recently listened to an interview with Brené Brown on Sounds True podcast, “Insights at the Edge” during which she discusses perfectionism. Dr. Brown defines perfectionism and reshapes it’s meaning for us all based on her research on vulnerability and shame.

In honor of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, which begins today, I thought I would share her insights and research findings on perfectionism, as they deeply resonate with me. [Read More…]

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  For more information, please visit www.KimberlyAtwood.com

Eating Disorder Awareness Month

February is Eating Disorder Awareness Month.  I thought this would be a good opportunity to talk about ways you can help a loved one whom you suspect or know has an eating disorder.

If you suspect a loved one, friend, or co-worker to have an eating disorder, here is how you can help:

Generally it is a good rule of thumb to let them take the lead.  If he/she mentions a struggle with weight, eating, or exercise, you can use this opportunity to simply let them know you are there to support and listen to them without judgment.

Do not talk about how other people look, or how you want to lose weight, especially during mealtimes.  It seems to be a cultural phenomenon for people of all shapes, sizes, and genders to speak about weight loss, calories, and other peoples’ sizes, while eating.  “Oh my goodness, I shouldn’t eat that — it must have a million calories!” (while consuming said food).  This takes the pleasure out of socializing and eating, while also making anyone with an eating disorder very uncomfortable to the point of not eating at all and possibly leaving. [Read more…]

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety and personal growth.  For more information, please visit her website at www.KimberlyAtwood.com

Mindfulness For Better Sex

You might be asking yourself – Are you kidding me? Is this a ploy to get me to read your blog? No. Mindfulness training can really be useful in gaining more pleasure from sex (and other aspects of life, of course).

First, what is mindfulness? In a nutshell, mindfulness is a way of training your brain to be here, now. To keep your brain in the moment as much as possible, and notice where you are and what you are doing, thinking, feeling, sensing in the moment, without judgment. It is not about shutting off the brain, but intentionally noticing the brain’s activity.

We are often floating away from the current moment in our minds. We are thinking about what just happened in our spin class an hour ago, or running through our to-do list to make sure we don’t forget something. We are rarely here, in the moment, right now. By training our brains, we can find more moments of here-ness.   [Read More…]

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth. For more information, please visit www.KimberlyAtwood.com

Overcoming Fear

Are you living from a place of fear? If you really pay close attention, do you notice ‘not enough’ thoughts sneaking in throughout the day? Fear can really bring you to a dark place and keep you stuck there. Fear can make you feel vulnerable and insecure. But no one talks about fear – it’s taboo – so we think we’re the only one feeling this way.

When we live our lives in fear of not having enough or fearing failure and/or success, we tend to unknowingly cultivate more fear. If we can start to see the world from a new angle and notice all the plenty and abundance already present, we are actually cultivating ‘more’ and fullness in our lives, and ultimately developing more happiness.

First, just notice your tendency to focus on or move toward ‘not enough’ in your daily life. One simple example from my life just happened today. I walked into a coffee shop and saw it was very full. Instead of ordering, as I would typically do first, I ran to throw my coat on a chair and save myself a seat, for fear that there wouldn’t be enough seating available after I ordered. Want to guess what happened once I sat down? Yup…several people left and a better table opened up than the one I anxiously grabbed upon entering. Now, this is a minor example, but it does clearly show that I was coming from a place of ‘not enough.’ Be aware of times (big and small) when you have thoughts of ‘not enough’ pop up in your life.

Second, pay attention to how much you have in your life that is positive and abundant. Be grateful. It is not natural for our brains to focus on all the amazing things we have in our lives. Our brains are fixers.  They do everything in their power to fix problems, which often means they create problems that don’t even exist.  When we spend time and energy focusing our thoughts on the positive and bringing more attention to what we are grateful for in our lives, it helps us recognize the positive more often and this makes us happier.

Next time you feel ‘not enough,’ try to change your thoughts toward something positive that you have plenty of in your life….love (think of all the loved ones in your life), beauty (look around at nature and notice all the natural beauty that surrounds you on a daily basis). You get the idea….now go be enough, have enough, and try to view your life from a place of abundant gratitude.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth. For more information, please visit www.KimberlyAtwood.com

New Year, New Your – Part II

Let’s continue to talk about ways to feel better in 2015:

3. Be grateful. Start focusing on the positive more than the negative. As human beings, we are naturally more focused on the negative because this is a big part of what keeps us alive. Our brains are wired and programmed to find the negative and try to fix it. Being aware that this is a main job of our brain helps us take notice of it more and more each day.

It takes a bit of effort to focus more attention on the positive and try not to let it all just slip through our fingers like water. Do your best each day to hold onto the positive aspects of your life and shine a ray of light on each and every one of them. One way to start this is to write a gratitude journal – write down 5 things each day that brought you joy or made you thankful. They can be simple and mundane occurrences throughout your day.

4. Eliminate sugary drinks. I am not asking you to eliminate sugar altogether, just sugary drinks because they are the most influential on your insulin production and demanding on your pancreas. In other words, sugary drinks seem to be a leading cause of obesity and diabetes. These drinks include anything with sugar in the ingredient list, like sodas, sports drinks, and fruit juices.

Try not to switch to diet drinks because studies have shown that the fake sugars tend to make you desire more sweets in your daily intake. Try it for yourself and notice if you crave more sugary items when drinking diet drinks – I did. These fake sugars also seem to confuse the body because they are not natural.

Again, similar to cutting back on caffeine, you may not want to eliminate sugary drinks all at once. You may be more successful cutting back to having one soda a few days per week, rather than a soda everyday. Then, drink only one soda per week and so forth. Try to make your goals attainable so you are successful.

5. Drink Water. Many people drink sugary drinks as if it is water, but it is not water. Drink more good-old-fashioned H2O for hydration. Increasing your consumption of water will likely increase your energy level and your metabolism. Try it out and notice if you feel differently after a week or so.

If you are aiming to lose weight, this is also an excellent way to aid in weight loss. When we binge or emotionally eat, we are often just thirsty and in need of hydration. If you can slow down and drink a glass of water before reaching for that bag of chips or cookies, you might realize you do not want food at all and are satisfied with the water.

Many of the ideas for this ‘New Year, New You’ segment were stimulated by reading John Ratey and Richard Manning’s new book entitled, “Go Wild: Free Your Body and Mind From the Afflictions of Civilization.”  If you are up for a good read during these cold winter months, I recommend highly recommend this one.

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth. For more information, please visit www.KimberlyAtwood.com

New Year, New You – Part I

“Life is a journey, not a destination.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Keep this in mind throughout 2015, especially as you attempt to makes some changes in your life.

Here are a few new ideas to aim for in 2015:

1. Rather than make any resolutions this year, try to set daily intentions for yourself. This helps you take one day or one moment at a time, rather than the entire year all at once.

People usually do not succeed with their New Year’s resolutions because they try to change too much all at the same time. Learn from this mistake and slow down and be nicer to yourself. Take little bit by little bit and make longer lasting change in your life and over your lifetime.

I think it is most helpful when you write down your intentions, but some people find it effective just to state them inwardly to him/herself each morning before getting out of bed. Whatever works for you is great. Set your intention by saying or writing down something like this:

“My intention for today is to… 1. Drink only one cup of caffeinated coffee. 2. Exercise at the gym for at least 30 minutes. 3. Meditate for at least 10 minutes before going to bed tonight. 4. Watch only one hour of television. 5. Read at least one chapter in my book.”

2. Reduce your intake of caffeine. People often come to me because they notice a heightened sense of anxiety. It seems most of the people in this country are anxious lately. One of the first things I ask people to do is to start paying attention to how you feel with and without so much caffeine. Just experiment for a period of time and you will notice how revved up and anxious you probably get while drinking too much coffee or any caffeinated beverage (sodas, energy drinks, etc.).

I have noticed a huge difference in myself when it comes to cutting back on caffeine, and I bet you will too. If I mindfully decide to have a coffee, I make it small and drink it slowly. Still I notice how jittery it makes me now that I no longer drink it regularly. It definitely increases my anxiety and acts like a drug in my system. Notice for yourself!

NOTE: Do not go off these beverages cold turkey. If you drink a few cups of coffee per day, cut back to two, then make the sizes smaller, and eventually cut down to one cup per day over time. You will feel withdrawal effects, such as headaches, because your body has become accustomed to getting a specific jolt daily.

There is more to come in Part II of New Year, New You…

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working primarily with women in their 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth. For more information, please visit my website at www.KimberlyAtwood.com.

Weight Management Tips for the Holidays

Here are a few not-so-simple, but effective, ways to give yourself the gift of weight management this holiday season:

Most importantly, set a personal goal to learn about and practice self-compassion. Research shows that after indulging in food those who are nice to themselves rather than punitive will actually manage their weight much better. We tend to think that punishing ourselves eating too much or eating the “bad” foods will help correct the problem, but it is actually the opposite. If you are kind to yourself, you will be more successful. Think about it outside the context of food. When a friend comes to you with a really difficult problem or situation, do you yell at her? Do you punish her for being bad? Are you cruel to her? No, of course not. You would be really compassionate, kind, concerned, caring and supportive. Right? So, why are we so incredibly hurtful and nasty to ourselves?

I simply ask you to try building self-compassion and self-kindness this holiday season. I have used it in my own life and it has drastically changed my life and eating habits. It continues to be a work in progress, but I have noticed remarkable differences in the ways I relate to food, especially around this time of year.

For more information on this topic, please read this article regarding the research: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/

Set daily or weekly personal intentions and write them down. I was skeptical of this at first, but it is amazing what changes when you write things down. I have tried this both by mentally setting my intentions without the process of writing, but it just isn’t the same.  I notice a significant difference when writing down my intentions, even when quickly scribbled. Here are a few examples of practical personal intentions I have set:

1 – Eat less processed foods and fill up on more natural fruits and vegetables daily. Notice if/when I feel differently when eating different types of foods.

2 – Exercise at the gym for at least 30 minutes per day, at least 3 days per week.

3 – Do yoga for at least 20 minutes each, at least 2 times this week.

4 – Meditate for at least 10 minutes per day, at least 4 days this week.

You get the idea. Try this out for yourself and notice if you find it to be useful.

Start a meditation program that is realistic for you. It has been studied that meditating is an effective weight management tool. We often eat because we are anxious, depressed, bored or because of another unconscious emotional trigger. Meditating helps you connect to your body more fully, helping you hear and understand your body’s cues for hunger and satiation. It also puts you more in touch with your inner emotional world, rather than using food to distract yourself from these emotions. It does not have to be a painful and exhausting journey at all. Giving some attention where attention is due and honoring your emotions can be liberating and give you more energy. Think of how much energy it must take for you to hold back all those emotions that you are trying not to feel.

Meditation does not have to be hours and hours of sitting in silence. Believe me, I would not have lasted long if that were the case. Set short and attainable goals for yourself at first, such as 2-minutes per day or 5-minutes. Start with something you will definitely achieve and then add from there. I set a goal of 10-mintues per day and then often go over because it feels so good. But, there are days when all I can manage is 10 minutes, so I still achieve my goal.  You might want to try guided meditations from people like Tara Brach, Sharon Salzberg, or Jack Kornfield.

Good luck and be kind this holiday season!

If you would like more information on self-compassion, please read my blog at https://kimberlyatwood.wordpress.com/2012/08/28/self-compassion/

If you would like more information on meditation, please ready my blog at

https://kimberlyatwood.wordpress.com/2012/10/04/meditation-myths/

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth. For more information, please visit www.KimberlyAtwood.com

Tips to Having a Happy Thanksgiving 2014

Well, the holidays have snuck up on us again this year. Thanksgiving is already upon us and we are getting stressed out! Here are a few tips to decrease your stress around this holiday:

Use this time of year to begin (or restart) a gratitude journal. Focus on the positive aspects of each day, rather than the negative. After all, it is THANKS-giving, isn’t it? Let this be a new beginning for you and approach the holiday with a newfound joy and gratitude for all you have in life.

Do not think too far ahead. Stay as present as possible and try not to think too far in advance about Thanksgiving dinner or the upcoming holiday season. Stick with one thing at a time (as much as possible). For example, if you are creating a menu, focus only on creating the menu and do not over think the upcoming shopping trip.

Ask for help. Women tend to want to show their love around the holidays by doing it all, and doing it all by themselves. Try something new this year and try asking for help. Get others involved more and take some of the burden off yourself so you can actually enjoy the holiday too. Asking for help is an act of strength, not weakness. Getting others involved makes them feel useful and a part of the festivities.  I guarantee that people are not thinking that you should be able to do it all alone – that is only in your mind. Just try it out this year as something new, and I bet you’ll be surprised.

Breathe and connect to your body whenever you remember. Taking the time to refresh yourself and take a breather will clear your mind and help you more productive in the long run. Remember to take micro-breaks throughout the holiday season.

Try to enjoy yourself this year and don’t get bogged down in the stress. Good luck!

Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist in private practice in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. She specializes in working with men and women in their late teens, 20’s and 30’s dealing with eating disorders, sexual and relationship issues, anxiety, life transitions and personal growth.  Please visit www.Kimberlyatwood.com for more information.